abandon

I watched the screen tonight and instantaneously broke down in tears. That was reckless abandon.

I remember when the kiss meant something... the nervous, anticipated kiss. It meant something beautiful and pure and perfect.

Remember what falling in love felt like? That timid feverishness that left you paralyzed.

I believed in love once. I believed in that flawless person that constantly awaited my flawless arrival.

An old friend of mine used to persist that I was idealistic, and I suppose that's true. I thought that if I worked hard enough and said all the right things and acted the right way, I would get that flawless person to wholeheartedly believe in my own spurious flawlessness.

***

After the time we spent together, I asked him a question. It was then that I realized something that I should have much earlier- that impassioned fever I thought I felt was a farce. In all actuality, I was just entertainment.

That's when I internalized the harsh reality that perfection no longer exists. A reality I should have already learned a million times over.

I want someone to know how much I adore holding hands while we walk.
I want someone to tumultuously kiss me in public without giving a second thought as to who may be around.
I want someone who knows that as confident as I always seem, I am really at the peak of my vulnerability.
I want someone who can listen to the same bewitching song over and over again and never stop marveling at its exquisiteness.
I want someone to tell me that I am perfect even though we both know that statement is a far cry from the truth.

Yes, I am quite idealistic. But is that really all that much to ask?