1) I am above these vast expanse of black trees. My family (the Kelly Kids) and I are trying to get out and somehow I am supposed to save us. I believe this one was the first in the series that I recall because I hardly remember any details but the feeling of this huge black grove of horrifying trees.
2) My niece Alexa and I are playing in a house that exists only in my dreams (I have encountered the space before as the home of my Dad and his wife, Elynn). We are in a room with a filing cabinet and dolls. We start talking (she is still four years old, but has the communication ability of an adult). She tells me that she thinks my sister only started loving her when she got diagnosed with cancer. In the way that only can happen in dreams, I pull up this slideshow of photos pre-diagnosis of Crys and her playing and explaining to her just how much her mommy loved her from Day 1. I start crying. Alexa starts crying; she understands and seems to be comforted.
3) A bunch of the Larson crew, my mother and I all go to a mall. It looked like a dark version of Cielo Vista Mall in El Paso (when I woke up I was thinking about working there at Hot Topic [ha!] and Marti working at that Starbucks and Hayley working at Journey's). We go in to shop and my mother and I break off from the others. My mom is looking at these brown New Balance flats/sandals/croc looking things and I say, "Oh no - we can find better." Somehow my mom and I get separated - I can't find her. I start freaking out. I go through this large car service sort of place and come out into the parking lot. See our car (meaning she is still in this mall) and get nervous that she wouldn't be able to remember where we parked and get back to this spot. I still haven't found her when the dream ended.
I keep threatening to start posting about the clips that run through my subconscious mind between the hours of midnight to eight a.m.
Today's the day I start.
1) One of my friends screams from her computer for me to come see something. I run in and she has her beau's Facebook profile up, which was recently changed to "Looking for Dating/A Relationship." We scream.
2) My cousin Rachel and I are wearing matching shirts (yellow with white polka-dots and ruffle sleeves. I own this shirt; I don't believe she does.). I think how much better hers looks. We sit on a couch with a bunch of my other cousins and my cousin Ashley (who recently died) is standing behind us wearing all these colorful beaded bracelets. She is discussing her ideas for a huge party we are planning for her.
Last night: nothing too epic. I remember having tons of dreams but don't recall any of the subject matter.
This is not as interesting as I had hoped. Better luck next time.
------
Now. Non sequitur.
I was reading the Book of Mormon yesterday: Alma 46. The end of verse 13 through verse 15:
...he bowed himself to the earth, and he prayed mightily unto his God for the blessings of liberty to rest upon his brethren, so long as there should a band of Christians remain to possess the land — For thus were all the true believers of Christ, who belonged to the church of God, called by those who did not belong to the church. And those who did belong to the church were faithful; yea, all those who were true believers in Christ took upon them, gladly, the name of Christ, or Christians as they were called, because of their belief in Christ who should come.
While the Christians were happy to take on this name, it was still someone else who dubbed them as such. This made me think of the name "Mormon." Same thing applies. While I am happy to take on the moniker, it was still someone else who assigned this title (the non-Mormons in the 1800's; based on our belief in the Book of Mormon). While these declarations are not the worst thing in the world (I certainly adore the fact that I am defined as Christian and Mormon), they are still evidence of someone else deciding who and what I am. There are a zillion instances of "the other" defining who/what we are (i.e. crazy media coverage, anti-Mormon literature, some scary lady yelling at my roommate at the bus stop because she was reading the Book of Mormon).
In the last General Conference, Dallin H. Oaks (of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles) said the following:
We live in a time when some misrepresent the beliefs of those they call Mormons and even revile us because of them. When we encounter such misrepresentations, we have a duty to speak out to clarify our doctrine and what we believe. We should be the ones to state our beliefs rather than allowing others the final word in misrepresenting them. This calls for testimony, which can be expressed privately to an acquaintance or publicly in a small or large meeting. As we testify of the truth we know, we should faithfully follow the caution to speak “in mildness and in meekness” (D&C 38:41). We should never be overbearing, shrill, or reviling. As the Apostle Paul taught, we should speak the truth in love (see Ephesians 4:15). Anyone can disagree with our personal testimony, but no one can refute it.
To that I say, WORD. Though it is definitely scary at times to speak out for what I believe (I am consistently shocked at the vehemence/seeming anger of other faiths towards my own), it is so worth it. And at some point (maybe not soon, but I'm hopeful), people will cease to be hostile due to lack of understanding or belief.
One of my besties, Lisa, posted a link to Wordle - a cool word randomizer applet. I put the text of my sister's blog about Alexa in and selected all pink. Cute.
Estelle Getty, the amazing Sophia Petrillo, died yesterday. She was the youngest of the Golden Girls and the first to go. I really was holding out hope for a reunion show entitled "REALLY Golden Girls"... sigh.
I'll miss you, Estelle! You were such a sassy broad.
Okay, so here is the follow-up tale to my Missed Connection adventure...
He replied:
hey colleen, so is it a bad thing i posted my first missed connection? and i'm going to be in your blog?
weird. honestly, i've never done it before.
well, i'm dana. tattooed bloke indeed. (never, been refered to as a bloke since my friend chris returned to the UK). how are you doing? care to talk about nerds?
Ha! So, I replied. Then, he replied. Then, I replied. Then, he replied. Then, he replied again.
I haven't replied to those last two yet, mostly because I don't know how to respond to:
um, after reading this today, i'm glad i don't sound too dumb considering i was quite flavored during my response.
I was drunk-emailed! Haha, I am considering something like: "What is "flavored"? I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and don't understand your heathen ways." Maybe too much?
Thanks go to Natalie, who made this whole hilarious event possible.
So, on Craigslist, there is this section called "Missed Connections." Essentially, if someone sees someone they think is cute or whatever and just missed their opportunity, he/she would go to Craigslist and post, hoping that their object of affection might see it and make up for the "missed connection" (clever, eh?).
So. You readers know I recently got a book entitled "Nerds: Who They Are and Why We Need More of Them." I was on the Orange Line, got off at Sullivan Square. I noticed this guy, and noticed that he noticed me (remind you of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air? I may be the only one who gets that reference...). We got on the escalator at the same time (maybe orchestrated by him? I couldn't tell...). Well, I boarded the 101 bus. I noticed this guy again, and he was looking back at the bus. He looked back at the bus a couple of times and it appeared that he was writing something down or looking at an iPhone/cell/something. I thought to myself: "wouldn't that be hilarious if he was getting the bus number for a missed connection?"
Well.
Hahaha! I was meaning to check out the listings just for kicks, and kept forgetting. Then, Natalie (this is where she comes in) sends me the following on G-chat (and we have the following conversation):
Natalie: is this you? http://boston.craigslist.org/gbs/mis/756395239.html me: OH MY FREAKING GOSH YES HAHAHAHAHA I know who that is !!!! Natalie: is it really? me: YES i smiled at him and laughed Natalie: hil.ar.ious. me: and i saw him look at my bus number hahahahahahah Natalie: i wondered if it was based on your blog about the books you got; and the orange line me: YES hahahahhaha Natalie: YOU SHOULD RESPOND me: I TOTALLY WILL and you'll get the credit hahaha Natalie: NICE! Freak, I've always wanted one written about me. BUt I also look for my friends. :) me: hahaha that is HILARIOUS i have to blog that Natalie: DO IT
I work within walking distance of the Boston Public Library, which is one of my favorite places in Bostonia. As part of the "Great Save All My Money So That I Can Be Debt Free By The Time I Complete My Master's Degree Plan of 2008", I have been temporarily denying myself the sublime elation of owning new books and checking them out from the BPL.
My way of selecting a book (and just about anything else browsing/shopping related) is grabbing everything that initially catches my eye and then going through a weeding out process at the end (pissing off librarians and retail associates [and perhaps men?] throughout the Metro Boston area).
Today's trip was motivated by returning two books I had out: Kurt Vonnegut's Welcome to the Monkey House and Letters Home (a collection of Sylvia Plath's letters to her family from Smith and the early days of her marriage to Ted Hughes before her suicide). I wanted to check out two recently released books and I also wanted to browse other works by Margaret Atwood (from my Top 5 list of authors) for future reading delights. After my browsing process I ended up with the following:
The Party Faithful: How and Why Democrats Are Closing the God Gap I had read a chunk of this that was featured as a teaser excerpt in a Christian Liberal magazine I read, and I guess that did its job of getting me to read the book. Too bad for Amy Sullivan, though, because I got it at a library and not a Borders.
Nerds: Who They Are and Why We Need More of Them Obviously the title alone was enough to snag me, but I also read a review of this in Wired. Its more of a parenting book than anything else - essentially discussing ways of modifying being a nerd from something that kids abhor to the awesomeness that I (and David Anderegg) know it is. These top two are the books I was specifically after.
Cat's Eye Margaret Atwood
Moral Disorder Collection of short stories by Margaret Atwood
Dancing Girls Collection of short stories by Margaret Atwood
Mortified: Love Is a Battlefield This is another installment of this awesome series I discovered. People submit their journal entries from their adolescence and the most embarrassing and most hilarious and most familiar entries get collected (by David Nadelberg). Great! As the owner of multiple completely ridiculous diaries, I am definitely a fan. It also includes a small "Where Are They Now"-type section and their commentary as adults. Hilarious.
So, as I began to commence the weeding out, I decided I'd saunter over to the Information Desk to ask how many books someone is allowed to have out simultaneously. Turns out you can check out 75 items at a time! Yes! For some reason, I always figured you were WAY more limited. So, I happily skipped the elimination process and got all of them. Simple pleasures, I guess, but I am super pumped.
Well. Alexa's funeral was really beautiful. It was extremely hard for everyone. You know, when I left for Texas (made possible by my amazing home teacher, Spencer Nam), I thought I was going to be the stalwart pillar of strength for my family. Then... well... I was in shambles. Seeing her little face everywhere. I think that every little girl I see is her for an instant. I touched her hand, and I started then to miss her so much. I know that I've already said this, but I can truly feel the shimmer of the world decrease without her presence in it. I am having a tough time, but I know that it is nothing compared to what Crys and Zack are feeling. I could never comprehend that, and, selfishly, I hope I never have to. They are amazing and I am very proud to have such strong people in my family.
I have posted the slideshow tribute played at Alexa's funeral below. Crys described the funeral in her last post on Alexa's site:
Yesterday was beautiful. Everything was perfect, as it should be for a princess. The church was filled with pink flowers in honor of our girl. We had a table set up with many of her favorite things that I think people enjoyed seeing and touching. So many people came out to celebrate her life with us, many of whom wore pink for her- even men. Thank you.
I couldn't believe how many people were there sitting in the chapel all to support us. What was most touching to Zack and I was the genuine love everyone felt for Alexa. We loved her so much and to see that so many people came not just to support us as her parents but truly to grieve for themselves over the loss of Alexa was deeply moving to us.
The music was perfect, the slide show Colleen stayed up all night to put together was heart wrenchingly wonderful, Kirsten, my father and John all did an amazing job telling of our little girl and how wonderful she was. I gave my talk about her and although it was difficult at times I had to do it. As I said at the beginning, no one could talk about my baby better than her mommy. Zack told me he thought it was perfect and I said everything he would have said so I felt good about that.
Her spirit was strongly with us yesterday as we honored her memory.
The hardest part for Zack and I was seeing her little friends cry. They all came up to us with tear stained cheeks and hugged us several times. I held onto them and tried to let them know how much they meant to our daughter. They brought her laughter and love and most of all a friendship she will never forget. Nor will we and we love those kids more than we can say. Being close to them makes me feel close to her.
The service was beautiful and afterwards we had a nice family lunch provided by the church. There were pink flowers on every table. It was nice to sit and talk and love on all my nephews and cousins.
From there we headed to Alexa's graveside. Her headstone has been up for almost a year so it was nice to have that for people to see. It has her name on it, a crown and then the quote I picked for her: 'If love could have kept you here, you would never have gone.' So true.
After a prayer, some friends help pass out 50 pink balloons. One for every month she was alive. Alexa loved getting balloons just so she could run outside and let them go. She was funny that way. On the count of three all the children and several more let go and they floated up together toward heaven. It was really neat. A friend was kind enough to take pictures and send them to me. I posted a few here. There were many others over the country who let go of balloons for Alexa too. As a friend of hers told me yesterday, she will get every one of them.
Thank you to everyone for your love and support and encouragement. Thank you for loving our daughter. Thank you for making her life one filled with incredible memories and fun times. I have gotten every gift and every flower and every donation. Forgive me for not sending thank you cards, but know that they are all appreciated.
As we strive to learn how to live in our new life we will be taking time off to be away by ourselves. I have told several we are going into hiding. We will be okay. Our love for each other is strong and our love for our son is immense. He is a living tribute to Alexa.
And with that I close this journal. It has been a long and wonderful 2 1/2 years. Thank you for being with us on this journey.
***
I will be keeping a family blog if you would like to follow us. We will be checking the signatures here as well so feel free to sign anytime. We love you all. Thank you.
2) My niece Alexa and I are playing in a house that exists only in my dreams (I have encountered the space before as the home of my Dad and his wife, Elynn). We are in a room with a filing cabinet and dolls. We start talking (she is still four years old, but has the communication ability of an adult). She tells me that she thinks my sister only started loving her when she got diagnosed with cancer. In the way that only can happen in dreams, I pull up this slideshow of photos pre-diagnosis of Crys and her playing and explaining to her just how much her mommy loved her from Day 1.
